Recovering From Losses in Life (About Emotional Healing and Recovery)

The book, "Recovering From Losses in Life" by H. Norman Wright, is a comforting and supporting book that helps ease the pain of loss while you are in the midst of it. The feeling of a permanent loss is like:

• "It hurts so much so that I feel hollow inside of me", 
• "I feel like a half-man, I can't function as normal", 
• "I feel loneliness and isolation without the person I lost", 
• "I have a void in my life", 
• "I feel insecure that anyone may suddenly leave me", 
• "I feel helpless and lifeless", 
• "It feels like I have shut down myself, and detached from others",
• "The fear is paralysing".

When there is a loss, there is a grieving or mourning process undergoing, grief is absolutely necessary and normal. 

The purpose of grieving is to bring you to firstly acknowledge the fact of the loss, accept it, and live with the loss in a healthy way. Permanent loss is irrevocable, it is like a scar, it will never go away. We can only learn to come to terms with it, i.e. we have to learn to live without the person you lose permanently. There is a need for a change in identity, and the daily routines and norms that comes with it. 

As you turn fifty and grow older, deaths of your friends and family members become more frequent, we cannot keep our loved ones from dying, but we can learn how to properly grieve, express the feeling of loss, and develop a healthy way to cope with the loss. And we can see the loss from God's perspective. 

In the process of grieving, we have to: 

1. realise and accept the person is dead, and properly say goodbye to him/her, 
2. recognise the change of your identity, develop a new role, and adjust to the loss, 
3. develop a new relationship with the deceased person, and 
4. devote your  emotional energy to develop a new hobby/something new that brings you satisfaction/happiness, this helps you get on with your life. 

We must learn to exist without the person, integrate the loss into your life, and move on. We must face the reality, face the loss, and face all the emotions/pain directly as soon as possible. Never attempt to minimise, water down, delay or avoid the pain/grief. Don't defense yourself by denying, it simply prolongs the pain. Denial can only produce lingering pain. Anger, guilt, and overload may be other reasons that block your grief.  

Tears are the gift of God which gives us a tool to express the deepest feelings that words cannot express. When words fail, tears are the vehicle to release those unspeakable feelings. You might feel hurt and anger, weeping helps. Just make use of it, and no need to apologise for your tears because it is a sign of recovery. While you weep immensely, a healing and recovery are taking place simultaneously. Recovery can only occur when you face the loss and grieve over it, even it is too heavy to face. 

Remember: the only way to resolve the pain is to face it directly, experience it, and then you may recover.  

Funeral service is an opportunity for mourners to say goodbye to the person died. It is also an official ceremony to force us to recognise the person's death and properly grieve. It is a goodbye ceremony. Getting through it, having said goodbye, you would then move on with your life.

Focus on the positives, try to find out what is the meaning of the loss? What can you learn from the loss? Only you know what the loss specifically means to you. But for all of us, loss brings about changes. You will never be the same as before, you will need to develop a new identity, a new relationship, a life without the deceased person. 

Things may be helpful to do in mourning, you can consider:

• Talking: Find someone who listens and understands to talk about your feelings, especially the one who had experienced the similar loss as you do.
• Writing: Write down everything you feel during the grieving process. This is a kind of personal journal such that you can track the progress of your recovery. 
• You can also write a letter to the deceased person to express your feeling.
• Reading: Read some supporting and healing books about grief and losses.

For Christians, the following things may be helpful: 

• Praying: 
• You can ask other fellow Christians to pray for you that you would come to see the meaning in your loss, and you can find God's comfort and love in such a difficult time. 
• In your own prayer, you can share with God your own feelings, anger, guilt, regret and how much you miss the person you lost. 
• You can pray, "Lord, I know You allow it and use it to work all things together for good. I trust you completely. I thank you and praise you".
• In time of loss, we do not need power, but comfort and peace. Pray to God. 
• Thank God and praise Him, you will find peace in your heart. 
• Reading: Read the book of Psalms in Bible.

The grieving process may need to take some time, and it depends on individuals. There is no need to judge yourself or compare yourself with others. The loss is yours, not theirs. 

The signs of fully recover are: 

1. you can function normally and gain your strength as before; 
2. you can live your life with the loss; 
3. you no long want to avoid the situations you feel that may trigger your pain. 

On some occasions such as anniversary or some important dates,  it aches again. As time passes by, the extent of aching would diminish. The intensity of fear would reduce progressively. Recovery is a slow process, it takes time.  

For grieving, just knowing the process intellectually is not enough, because your brain may disintegrate the functioning of left and right brains. You may recognise the death of your loved one, but the defense system of your brain can block the emotional side of the brain to feel the pain so that you may feel numbness to the incident. It feels like shutting down the emotional system. You recognise the fact of the person's death, but you are numb. This is a kind of PTSD as you are traumatised in the loss somehow. 

Trauma leads to silence, withdrawal, isolation, feeling of hopelessness, difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating, anxiety over crowds, abnormal numbness, abnormal detachment, abnormal mood swing, uncontrollable fear that may paralyse your life. 

Here are the quotes I found helpful:

Meaning of Losses

Every loss is important. It is part of life and cannot be avoided.

• You grow by losing and then accepting the loss.
• Change and growth occur through loss.  
• Life takes on a deeper meaning because of losses.

No one said loss was fair, but it is part of life. 

When a loss is permanent, it brings a sense of something has really ended. ... We might try to resist or avoid the reality, but ... we do have to make a new life without its existence.

When a parent dies, there is a sense of closure to the relationship and an opportunity to say a final goodbye. 

In general, loss has following meaning: 

• spiritual growth, 
• change our values, 
• change our relationships: loss can bring people together in a way never experienced before.
• greater appreciation for life
• create a deeper sense of empathy and concern for the pain of others
• call us to comfort one another and to weep with those who weep

For Christians, the meaning of spiritual growth through loss includes the following:

• changes our relationships with God profoundly,
• strengthens our faith in God, 
• enables us trust more in God than in ourselves.
• reminds us that we are not in control and  not self-sufficient, but God is.
• allows us to rest in the grace of God
• enables us to change our perspective from ours to God's 
• allows our hope and anticipation of life to come to grow
• produces maturity - develop quality characters such as: patience, endurance, humility, long-suffering, gratitude, and self-control
• lets us fully appreciate the fact that we cannot have what we want when we want it.

There was a change of values, a greater appreciation for life, a deepening of spiritual beliefs, a feeling of greater strength, and building relationships. 

Controlling Behaviour

• Loss traumatises us, because it carries a message, "You really are not in charge of your life. You don't have much control over your destiny."

• Controlling behaviour is the fear of trusting. It is the fear of not being in charge of your own destiny or direction in life. 

• People who are rigid, highly dominant, perfectionistic would have difficulty handling loss because they are brittle, do not have flexibility to adjust, and fears the control being rested in anyone's hands. 

• Our need to be in charge of ourselves, others and situations, ... We are reluctant to relinquish our control and allow God to run our lives.

Remember: We never were in total control, now and never will be. God is in control, not us.

Healing of Christians

Christians have a different perspective on death. We see it as "homegoing".  We believe that we will be reunited with all our loved ones who died in the past, so the time of death is a joyous moment for us. 

Christians have faith in God and in Jesus Christ, and are able to develop a biblical perspective in death. However, we should not develop a sense of feeling that only you have a special relationship with God that He will not allow any bad things happen in your life. 

Remember: Christians are not immune to sufferings or misfortune of life. We are exposed to hurt, pain, death, tragedy just as non-believers do. But God suffers with us. God hears, God understands.

God is all-powerful, but it does not mean that everything happens in the world is the way He wants it. He permits it however.

Reason Seeking:

• We all want a reason, we want to know why for everything, but not everything has a reason, not every question got an answer. Even you know the reason, you know the answer, and that may not be one that is acceptable to you. 
• We should learn to live our lives with unanswered questions. 

• Not all things are fair, we should learn to turn to God with gratitude and praise Him in everything. 

• God allows suffering for His purpose and His reasons. God is the gracious controller of the world, He can do as what He wants and He doesn't have to give us explanations. He doesn't owe us.

• God allows us to experience the loss is for our growth. This is a blessing. We should give thank and praise the Lord for what is happening, and for being with you. 

• Thank God for deploying this incident as an opportunity to change and grow. This is God's purpose. 

• God has a reason for everything He does and a time schedule for everything. You should fully trust God and wait on Him patiently. Submit your life to Him, let Him run your life.

Our Attitude:

• You cannot change the fact, cannot change what happens in the future, but you can control your response to whatever occurs. 

• It is not something you wanted or expected, but it is here. How can you make the best of the incident? So how can you grow through this? what can you learn from it? How can it be used to glorify God?

• We should allow the trials of life hits us adversely. Equip ourselves with the ability to regard adversity as something to welcome. When it hits us, we know that it will change the quality of our character. 

• We should change our identity in Christ, see ourselves from God's perspective. We are valued, love and cared because of Him. We are dependent on God, not on people. Therefore, you should build your identity in Christ and it will be stable.

• God wants us to recover and He will provide a way for us to recover.

Lord is the Source of Our Joy:

• Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (Jam 1: 2-3)

• You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent (Ps 30:11-12)

• In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. (Rom 8: 26-27)

• And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Rom 8: 28)

• He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. (Ecc 3: 11)

• a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance (Ecc 3: 4)

• As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. (Ecc 3: 19-20)

• Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. (Job 1: 21)

• As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. (Ecc 11: 5)

• As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Is 55: 9)

• Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgements, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? (Rom 11: 33-34)

• For I know the plans I have for you", declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jer 29:11)

• He will be the stability of your times, a wealth of salvation, wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is his treasure. (Is 33:6)

• My ears had heard of you before, but now my eyes have seen you (Job 42:5)

• And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (1 Cor 10:13)

• Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Ps 23: 4)

• They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear; in the end they will look in triumph on their foes. (Ps 112: 7-8)

• Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west (Isa 43: 5)

• When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken" (Ps 30: 6)

• My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. (Ps 119: 50)

• Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. (Is 40:1)

• Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. (Is 49: 13)

• Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (Matt 5: 4)

• Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  (2 Cor 1: 3-4)

• Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Rom 12: 15)

• Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4: 4-7)

• Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14: 27)

• I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Phil 4: 12-13)

• Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. (Phil 4: 14)

• By He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor 12: 9)

• For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12; 10)

Reference

H. Norman Wright, Recovering from Losses in Life, Revell, 2006.

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